I was shot in the heart by those I call and continue to call my friends. One rests quietly, tells about himself, opens all doors, allows herself the right to be without veils, unmasks her own contradictions: in the heart the certainty that the other loves you without judgment.
Then time passes, the time of mutations, and you continue to converse with your old friend, in trust. However, the hours have changed his moods and what used to welcome you today hates him.
Envy: I did not believe that he could lodge among warm hearts. This corrosive poison eats up the space of sharing and transforms being together into attack and defense tactics. I am envied by those I love as friends.
I said to myself: envy and judgment came to visit me. What do they have to bring? To tell me? These demons remind me that I am lucky because I live immersed in the tenderness and compassion of my family; I have the economic assets that help me surround myself with beauty, sober but always out of the ordinary.
I don't have to fight for bread. Neither for work nor for loneliness. My house is full of friends who come and go. I am full of gifts… do I think I deserve it, says the judge? Haven't you seen your contradictions and your dark sides? Your vanity, your pride always alert and ready to strike? Who are you more than me?
Feelings that take shape in words and glimpses: an incredible malaise that impregnates the skin. Discomfort requires you to retreat, almost forget about yourself to not stay under the light, hide from the attention, and keep silent about your happiness and treasure. Even a friend can reduce you to this, and it is a pain for you and your friend.
I learn by watching and observing. Voracious is the darkness of man but also his pain. I know that these moods are born with arrogance, and despite the person's will, they dominate. They stand between them and me and invite a fight. But my enemy is my teacher: he tells me an unadulterated truth.
I am happy. And woe to me when I forget it and when fear and mistrust take possession of my days!
I have it all: shouting for lack is really a crime in the name of those who struggle to get much less. My enemy teaches me to say thank you.
My contradictions? I am proud of my contradictions. I embraced the risk of research, experimentation, inconsistency. I want to allow myself to be wrong, to feel disoriented, to lose. I choose to change from mutation to mutation, as De Souzanelle says, to become a natural person.
While I lose the layers of the "skin tunic", I also lose friends who do not want to readjust with me to new profiles and new figures. There is a sign on my door: working in progress! My enemy teaches me that I am always on the way.
57000, Mueang Chiang Rai, Chiang Rai, Thailand